about this time of year. Well...a few weeks ago...one of my not so favorite
things about this time of year literally jumped up out of the backyard and
basement and right into our bedroom. I have been meaning to regale my
tale of woe for some time now. Here goes nothing!
I was enjoying one of my blessed maternity leave Mondays. Owen was napping peacefully. I was wandering around doing my daily pick up of the house. Washing bottles, making the bed, putting fresh towels in the bathroom...when my beautifully peaceful day was wrecked at the hand of a four legged creature. It was not my dog. It was not my cat. Not even a mouse. It was, much to my displeasure...a lizard. I was picking up a bed pillow to add to my lovely stack of shams and toss pillows. As the bottom of the pillow reached my line of sight, I was taken aback b/c up at me stared a 5inch long, green lizard. The ones with bright blue tails. On my bed pillow. In my room. Did I mention it was on my pillow???? In a matter of 3 seconds I had thrown the pillow back on the bed and skipped and screamed my way out of our bedroom. A phone call to Jeremy proved unsuccessful as he reminded me that he was at work. 45 minutes away. OMG. What now? Quickly I dialed my Mom's number and before she could even finish saying hello...I begged her to send my Dad over. I believe the words were something like...Lizard on pillow. Send Dad. Rescue! I should preface my freak out with the fact that I have comes to terms with the creepy crawlies. In my flower beds. In my backyard. Even in the basement. But in my ROOM?!? On my pillows? I have always held fast to the belief that your bedroom...and your bed are "base". Remember when you played tag as a kid and you had base? The place where you were free from getting tagged out or told "Your IT!" Remember that? Well in my world of adulthood, my bed is base. It's the place where burglars can't see me under my covers. It's the place where I dream. It's the place where I find ultimate peace. So...lizards are NOT welcome on my base.
Not 10 minutes after I called Mom and Dad in walks Mom sans Dad. Our
conversation and lizard hunt went something like this:
Jess: Wait a minute...what are you going to do? You are going to go in
there, scream just like me and we're going to loose the
lizard...forever...and I'll have to nearly pee down both legs all over
again.
Mom: No no no. It's fine. We can do this.
Jess: Ok Mom. I still don't know why Dad sent you here by yourself.
This is a bad idea.
Mom: Dad told me what to do...he sent me over with instructions. We
can do it.
Jess: Whatever you say. I still think this is a bad idea.
Luckily she had on the "I'm a Mom!" Brave face that I clearly haven't
learned about yet.
Mom: Ok Jess. Here I go. I need a Glad container and something to put
over the top. Maybe a baking pan. Oh...and the broom.
So in walks my Mom. Broomstick in one hand, cookie pan and glad
container in the other. Mom was pretty crafty, I must give her credit.
She used the broom stick to pull up my pillow and see if the lizard was
still under the pillows. It was. Conversation continues.
Mom: Oh my God. There it is Jess! I'm gonna scream...
Jess: That's what I did. That's what I do when I find lizards on my
bed. Just let me know if it gets loose b/c I'm holding Owen and I swear,
if that thing runs up my leg I'm gonna drop him.
Mom: Put Owen DOWN. Oh MY GOD! There it is!!
Screaming commences. She does some sort of karate type move and drops
the Glad container on top of it.
Mom: I GOT IT!! Now what do I do?
Jess: I have no idea...I called you to send Dad. The lizard would be
outside by now. I am NO help.
At this point my skin was crawling so bad I couldn't sit still. And I
had a ring of sweat under my chest on my t-shirt.
Mom: Ok...I'm gonna do this. I just have to put the Glad container on
the cookie sheet. Oh MY GOD...it's staring at me. He can see me...I
swear. Holy SH%*T!!
Not 10 minutes after this is all happening, in walks Dad. To the
Rescue.
Dad: What in the heck are you guys doing in there? Owen...your Mom and
Grandma are not right.
Dad proceeded to put the lizard in the container and walk out to far
back part of our yard and let him go.
The lizard has never come back...or any of his brothers or sisters for
that matter. But now we have the nightly shake down of the bed covers
and pillows. Just the thought sends shivers down my back. I think I
have a phobia. Jess=no lizards.
Check out what my Dad bought for me about a week later? Oh so funny
Dad. Love you too.
No comments:
Post a Comment