Ever get that feeling...

You're cruising along living life…dealing with the day to day responsibilities…even daring to complain about dishes or having too much on your calendar…and then BAM.  Someone pulls the ripcord…and you are slammed with the reality that despite our plans, nothing in this life is a guarantee?  I knew this was a possibility.  We lost Jeremy's Dad way before we were ever truly prepared to lose a parent, like you honestly ever really are.  So I know that feeling.  You blindly let yourself get back into routine with life.  Making plans and living life.  All the while trauma was marching it's way your direction.  When, how and where it hits are not up to you.  But you are never really ready for it.

Last Wednesday this happened to me.  One single "Jess" from my Mom as I answered the phone and I knew.  Within a few minutes I was on my way to the ER to be with my parents and Grandma…who they found on her living room floor, covered in bruises and vomit.  She had no clue where she was but in excruciating pain and unable to get up off the floor.  The reality of life kicked me in my stomach.  And what I saw when I arrived at the ER was something I know I will never forget.  Ever.  Grandma chose to live in her home alone.  She was still able to get around. Drive a car. Fix her own meals. Take her medicine.  We all knew she was not in the greatest of health…but she wouldn't hear of an assisted living situation.  She wanted to be in her home until she couldn't anymore.  And this past week she was given her wish.  After less than 24 hours in the hospital, a broken hip and several other ailing parts of her body, she went to Heaven.  The events surrounding her death were semi-sudden. Though at 84 you know that every day with a loved one is a gift…one who is fairly able body and mostly sound of mind passing in less than one day is pretty significant in terms of a quick loss.  So I'm still processing.  I wake up in the morning and imagine what my parents went through finding her on the floor, alone.  I ache in a deep part of me because I can't go back and change it.  I can't decide to bring her a last minute dinner on Tuesday night…or lunch or anything.  I ache because I can't change anything or help her when she needed it most.  And I suppose that will take time to heal. I fear it never will.  Thankfully my mind also wanders to all of the wonderful childhood memories I have of her.  Of her wonderful voice singing me songs and tickling my legs and back as I fell asleep in her bed.  Of being 100% absolutely spoiled rotten by both her and my Pap.  Of picking up acorns and pinecones for her potpourri mixes she made when I was young.  Of her watching me sing in high school concerts.  Attending event after event and being around for every single milestone with supportive words and a loving hug.  Of hearing her talk about how sweet she found my babies and watching her be a great grandma to them.  She was a shining example of grandparent love.  And I will never forget it…and carry that love with me in everything I do always.

Thank you Grandma. For being my biggest fan.  For thinking I was perfect when I wasn't. For making 88 pounds of potato salad at every family get together and never letting Pap forget it. For being the most generous person I've ever met.  For sayings like Oh my heart and teaching me songs like Cruising down the river.  For your bold and beautiful fashion sense when you were younger…I will cherish the  jewelry that came to be mine
always.  But most importantly for helping to teach me that love is the greatest gift there is and that giving it freely is the best way to honor that gift.  I am going to miss you terribly. But I know you are up there with Aunt Sue throwing a party…with Clark, Matt and Pap to keep you all company.  Thank you for 32 years as the best grandma a kid could ever dream to ask for!  Love you to pieces.