Tonight I took my boys over to see their Great-Grandpa. Pap is what we call him. I believe Pap started during my era...so for all of my 28 almost 29 years, this man, my grandpa, Pap...has been in my life. So tonight I took my boys to enjoy some time with him. It was also for myself...to enjoy time. To see my Pap and remember all the wonderful things I love about him. The evening was not short on the usual Pap-isms. He played his guitar. He said "That's stupid!" He kissed my cheek and called me Jessica. He couldn't wait to ruffle Owen's hair and kiss Cooper's cheeks and make him smile. I think the only discussion we missed was the 255 exchange moving into our area and how much money the state was spending on it. HA! That's my Pap.
But now that I'm home I'm so overwhelmingly sad it's incredible. So I did what I always do, take to my words. To see if I can find some understanding there. Lord, if you're listening tonight...these words aren't here to get them off my chest. I'm sending them your way. So you can help me know what to do with all of this...
On my way to see him, I felt it coming. The sinking feeling that this visit was different. My stomach told me so. I wasn't just going to visit Pap and say hello and have a regular ol' visit. And it was that too...but it was more than that. Honestly, when I got there it was the same way it always is. The boys make him light up like a Christmas tree and it was easy to forget about what's really going on. In fact, Owen was so excited to see him, he knocked him over as he bend down for a hug!
But tonight was different. I realized as I ate dinner with him...and watched him play his guitar for Owen and Owen danced around in my aunt and uncle's living room, that time is so precious. I wondered, if Owen will ever get a chance to remember this about him. Because tonight I stared at a man who has been told he has a mass in his chest. He has cancer. I kept thinking about the words...without treatment 6 months. In the past few weeks he's been at the hospital, getting scans and tests and talking about treatments. Cancer scores another one. This time, its my Grandpa. I hate cancer...so very much.
What I realized tonight is that I think it's all still sinking in...what it all means. Looking at Pap you would never know there's something so dark happening to his body. And I found myself thinking no. He's fine. It's just like always. But it's not. Like I said...it's still sinking in. Until then, I am just gonna muddle along...with this stupid knot in my stomach. The one that moves to my throat and creeps out a couple tears at a time...
Pap, because fighting this is an option, fight hard. Fight hard for you, for us, for your great-grandsons that love you. Please know you are stronger than you know. And you can do whatever you set your mind to. We love you so much.
2 comments:
Wow. I will pray for your Pap. I lost my grandfather 5 years ago when my son was only two weeks old. Luckily my grandpa got to see him one time and kissed his feet. This was the last time I saw him. Losing someone so close hurts. Like I said I will be praying. Enjoy this holiday season.
Thank you so much for the kind words. I'm sorry for the loss of your Grandpa. It is definitely difficult to lose those close to you. Pap, as are so many grandparents, is a cherished part of my life. I'm thankful for all the wonderful years we've had together...but that doesn't make all of this easier! You're prayers are so appreciated.
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